What do you think of my story so far?
OK I'm 10 years old..so, here goes:
I glared out of my bedroom window. The day was cold, dull with rain. Just how I like it, I thought to myself. I glanced out the window for a last few seconds then tumbled onto my bed and shoved twilight into the DVD player-quickly but carefully, as I had done this so many times I could do it with one hand and blindfolded. I settled into the film, mouthing every word, just like I had done the other 50 times I'd seen it. When the film finished, I took the disc from the player and put it back in it's case. I was obsessed with twilight, and in love with one of it's main characters-Edward Cullen. I stared at the DVD case with his unbelievebly perfect face on and stroked it carefully. I sighed, as I would never get to do this in real life. I sighed again and made my way downstairs.
"Morning, Mum," I yawned.
"Morning, hun, nice sleep? Nice twilight screening? Again?" She replied. I laughed, and nodded. Same routine. Every morning..I laughed again-this time to myself. I sighed deeply and shrugged my shoulders. Walking over to the 5 1/2 ft long mirror, I grimaced at the horrible reflection of myself. Too tanned. Hair a horrible ash blonde. Of course, my hair was a normal blonde to everybody else,perfectly normal. But to me, it was just...eurgh. I so wanted my hair like Alice-(Edward Cullen's foster sister)-It was a reddish dark brown colour, gelled and cut into a short pixie spikey look. I groaned at my 14 year old self. Obviously, my Mum heard.
"Lauren, would you stop looking at yourself like you are a pile of dirt that nobody wants to clean up. You are perfectly fine, and you know that!"
"Mm." I replied. Of course I wanted to turn around and scream at her, 'I am surely NOT perfectly fine, do I look like a vampire to you?!' But, I knew I was better than that, so I slumped to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I hopped in the shower, and when I was dry, I popped on some plain white underwear and opened one of my draws. I grabbed one of the three bottles of sunblock and plastered it all over my face and body. I know, it was raining outside, but sunrays still get through and there was no way I was getting a tan. Once it was dry, I padded white shimmer face powder all over every single part of my body. I took the twilight soundtrack and put it into my cd player, and started singing along with it. As I was doing so, I rummaged through my closet for my Alice Cullen outfit. I'd spent weeks down the town centre trying to find one just like Alice's, and I would not give up. I'd finally found one, and that was the one I want to wear. "Aha." I whispered, and laid a slate grey/silvery coloured dress on my bed. I pulled out the matching darker grey long sleeved shrug and also put it on the bed. I pulled down the built in ironing board from my wall and turned the iron on and started ironing. When I'd finished, I put it all back away and I slipped the dress over my head and stroked it down. I got closer to my mirror and applied a minimum amount of mascara, then smoothly put on my blood red lipstick. I brushed my just under the shoulder length hair and tonged my hair so it went slightly wavy. Thats my daily look done. I laid on my bed, relaxing listening to The River Flows In You- Yiruma when the buzzing and loud noise of my phone startled me. I ran to my cd player and turned the volume down so it was just a background noise. I answered my phone and laid on my belly on my bed.
"Hello?" I asked.
"Hi Lauren," The caller said. I immediately recognized her voice-My best friend Lizzie.
"Oh, hi Lizzie," I replied.
"Hey, do you wanna come round? I'm having a sleepover tonight with a few mates from school. I was thinking you could come round now and help me set up?"
"I'll ask now, 2 seconds" I replied. "Mum!! Can I sleep at Lizzies and go round there now?!" There was silence for a few seconds.
"Yeah, course, get your stuff ready!" Mum answered.
"Yeah I'm allowed. I'll just pack my stuff and I will be on my way," I said in a normal volume to Lizzie.
"Great, I'll see you in a min!"
"Bye,"
"Bye!"
I fumbled around in my closet to find pyjamas and jeans and a top. This is OK, I thought, and slung all of it in a bag. I picked up my makeup, sunblock, tongs and a toothbrush and put them all in there too. I shoved my phone in my pocket and skipped downstairs.
"Mum, I'm going now," I said as I walked past her.
"Oh, don't you want a lift?" She asked, sounding almost dissapointed.
"No, I'll walk. I need to burn off some anyway," I muttered, poking my tummy. She rolled her eyes and opened her mouth as if to disagree, but shut it and just kissed me on the cheek. I could tell she couldn't be bothered to argue anymore, so I kissed her back. Just before I left, I had to turn back around.
"Lauren? You have got your phone with you?" She asked, sounding worried.
"Yes..What's wrong?" I replied. I felt concerned. It's not how she normally asks me, she is normally perky and says it casually. Now she soun
Read a bit more on- laurens story, part 2
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YOUR ONLY 10??? Wow even I cant write that good and Im 16! I guess some people were born to be autors!!
Keep up the good work…
For a ten year old, it’s really good!
Reading it, it felt just a little mundane, perhaps a hook is needed, but you write well.
And of course, like any sane person, I would urge you to take out the Twilight references.
Yes, yes, yes! This is really good especially for a ten year old. I’m guessing your Australian or something? Lol I mean, you did have like what 1 spelling mistake? haha but that’s okay. You are really good for a ten year old. And good that you like to read and write – readers are leaders! I’m 12 and when I was 10 I used to write about dogs that could talk and stuff lol. Great job keep working on it! Although, you put a little too much description in their. Like her every move was described. That gets sort of boring and makes the story go really slow. You wrote a lot about her just getting up, watching Twilight, then leaving. It is hard not to write a lot of description, but try. And you could make the envirmonent more interesting by adding like pets or something. Also, is the whole story just going to revolve around her obsession with Twilight? If so, then you definetly need to put some other conflicts in there. I don’t think anyones going to want to read an entire story on this girls obsession with Twilight lol just saying btw. Try to make it a little more interesting… maybe she meets the actors/actresses. Just be creative!
It sounds like nothing more than a poorly crafted, thinly veiled tribute to your obvious love of Twilight.
WOW! Just, WOW!!!!!!
I’ve read books with quality worse than this!
I’m off to read more – and DURR! yes it’s awesome!